WAIT!!! BEFORE YOU MARRY THAT YOUR IGBO GIRLFRIEND, YOU HAVE TO READ THIS
This will cause some heads to roll!!
And am sure mine is the first. But before you yab me, i copied it from
somewhere and decide to post it here to know if this is true! Some it
seems some are true as i have witnessed quite a few and i no just fit
shout! I even tire to seperate fight. To those who would want to cut my
head all in the name of comment, please cut my head and leave my neck
standing, bikonu!
Now, take note of the following, dear friend:
1. Forget Authority: If you were marrying a Yoruba woman, she would
have come to your house with her mother’s voice ringing in her ears that
a husband’s house is a place where life’s lessons are learnt. It’s a
different story for the Igbo woman. She comes from a long line of
‘unruly’ people who traditionally have no concept of a central authority
figure. Prepare to be stared down eyeball to eyeball in an argument.
Prepare to be laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself as the ‘man
of the house.’ When she’s done laughing, she’ll measure you, up and
down with her left, and sneer: ‘Hian! See this one o; who do you think
you’re talking to?’ She’ll clap and shake her head, then she’ll add
something in Igbo and then saunter away, wriggling her backside. It
isn’t for nothing that the legendary Aba Womens’ Riot happened in…ABA.
2. Prepare to be Called Names: No, I am not referring to endearing
(more like puke-inducing, actually) names like Baby, Darling, or Nkem.
I’m talking about names that qualify your lineage and ethnicity in terms
that are not exactly complimentary. If you are Yoruba, you and your
people will be Ndi ofe mmanu (something about too much oil in your soup
and fried things in your life); If you are a Northerner, you and your
people will be Ndi beribe (something about possessing a mumu gene). Find
solace in the fact that if you are truly Yoruba, you ‘know’ that Igbo
people use kick to wake their mothers up from the mat in the morning.
3. Say Goodbye to your Waistline: Your waistline will increase in
proportion to the years you spend with an Igbo woman who knows the
well-beaten path to her mother’s kitchen. Gone are your days of adding
stew to ewedu and okro, or eating egusi soup that was blended with
tomatoes. Tufiakwa! The introduction of Ofe Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu,
Ofe Owerri and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit, you fill up the
chair. That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like
something some hungry wind blew in. When the husband of an Igbo woman
stands, people must see that a man is standing. Size matters. Don’t be
deceived by the looks of people like Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and that six-pack
nonsense; he’s not a proper Igbo man. Look more at people like his
elder brother Ugo or imagine Noble Igwe a few years after marriage; now,
those are real Igbo men! Size matters to an Igbo woman.
4. Be
Aware of the Oriaku Syndrome: You have not heard of the Oriaku Syndrome?
Don’t worry, I will tell you. You see, when you marry an Igbo woman,
you work for her. Your glory comes from seeing her shine. When she steps
out, people must SEE your money on her body. If your wife looks like
the dried fish she uses in cooking your soup, you are not a man! If
she’s dressed like something that was sent to Lagos along with discarded
wares, you have failed in your duties! The Oriaku Syndrome posits that
your wife is the chopper of your money, simple. Don’t take this to mean
that you are her provider and therefore she isn’t independent. When the
Igbo man was planting yam, the Igbo woman was planting and harvesting
cocoyam, and as every Igbo household can testify, the cocoyam is more
useful than yam. Yam is only the king crop because the Igbo society,
like others, is phallocentric. Don’t get it twisted.
5. Beware
of the Illuminati: Do not marry any Igbo woman that is the first
daughter of her father. All first daughters in Igboland are members of
the real Illuminati. They sometimes call it by another name: Umuada.
They are the most powerful group in Igboland and can do and undo. No one
uses small spoon to measure their food. If you marry one and misbehave
and she reports you, you are doomed. Even when you don’t marry one, you
are still doomed if your wife ever reports you to them. They may decide
that all the first daughters from her village will come and live in your
house for a month. You may wish to consider suicide if that ever
happens to you. It is the Igbo woman who has forgotten the path to her
father’s house that suffers in a man’s house when she has the Umuada
waiting.
6. The Catholic Church Intervention: When an Igbo
woman is tired of you and your nonsense, she’ll simply pack her bag and
return to her father’s house. If you do not run after her and collect
your bride price back from her father, whatever child she bears anywhere
she goes will bear your name. Yes, I’m serious. This is why there are
no bastards in Igboland. But thank God for the Catholic Church, this
doesn’t happen often. The average Igbo woman is Catholic and the
Catholic Church has issues with divorce. Be smart: if you’re going to
marry an Igbo woman, marry one who is a Catholic; it reduces her chances
of leaving you by about 50%.
You may wish to ask why none of
the above is often the case when an Igbo woman marries an Igbo man…
well, I don’t know. Perhaps the Igbo man knows how to be ‘oga’ over the
Igbo woman and has refused to share the secret with aliens
